


Unrequited

by snagglepuss



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 00:44:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16545545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snagglepuss/pseuds/snagglepuss
Summary: What was the point, anyway, proclaiming a love that’s so obviously unrequited?





	Unrequited

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write a super innocent Ryan/Jim story and it ended up pretty lengthy and rough, but I've been toying with it for a couple of months now and thought it was as good as I'm capable of putting out (at least for now, hahah). The quotes at the beginning of each part are not mine, as well as a lot of the dialogue. So, I hope it does some justice to this adorable pairing :)

**I. Familiarity: March** **24, 2005**  
“ **It wasn’t love at first** **sight exactly,** **but it was**   **familiarity**. **Something like**   **oh, hello.**   **It’s** **you**. **It's** **always** **been** **you.”**

Butterflies. As cliché and girly as it sounds, all Ryan could feel were butterflies when Michael introduced him to the lanky man with the goofy smile.

The temp tried his best not to blush as the salesman shook his already shaking hand. "Jim," he said his name was. Ryan just smiled and tried not to stare directly into his eyes.

Jim. Ryan and Jim.

He wondered if his real name was James. Either way, he liked his name. It suited him, as far as Ryan could tell.

The other salesman, Dwayne or something like that, was talking to him. Ryan vaguely remembered shaking his hand and now he was telling him about cars or whatever. If it was obvious at all that the boy wasn't listening, nobody said anything.

Even if they had, Ryan wouldn't have cared. All he cared about was Jim and his shaggy hair and hazel eyes and long fingers and every other perfect thing about the man he'd just met. Never in his life had he seen someone so beautiful. He hated to use that word because he knew it made him sound _so_ freaking gay, but there was really no other way to describe him.

Much to his annoyance, Ryan's gaze was pulled from his now fellow coworker when the man he was supposed to be listening to shouted Jim's name, which earned Ryan's full attention.

A plate of jello was thrown onto the desk, a stapler floating inside. The strange man, Dwight (he finally read his name tag), was clearly annoyed with Jim. Ryan wondered how you could be angry with something so precious.

Dwight referred to the temp as a witness, desperately trying to get someone on his side, and he tried not to look amused. It was obvious Jim was the one behind the whole thing and the idea of that brought a smile to Ryan's face, one that only grew when he saw the culprit eating his own cup of jello.

"How do you know it was me?"

The cuteness of Jim's mock innocence was almost painful to Ryan.

"It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?" Dwight asked.

The thought of pranks like this being a common occurrence made him slightly excited to start working there. Not as excited as getting work alongside the celestial being known as Jim Halpert did, though.

"Oooh, discipline! Kinky! Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start, as well as when to stop and... yeah. And Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into jello," His new boss, Michael, stated.

Jim cleared his throat.

"Okay. Dwight, I'm sorry because I've always been your biggest flan," he joked.

Ryan wondered fondly if Jim really was just a dork.

Michael cracked up and said something to Ryan, but he wasn't listening.

"You.. uh.. you should've put him in custardy," he nervously joked back, hoping to earn Jim's approval (or at least his attention).

He looked at Jim carefully to find him smirking and offering Ryan the nod of approval he had wanted, which filled the temp's body with warmth.

Jim was kind to him, and that more than made his first day worthwhile.

 

 **II**. **Basketball:** **April** **19** , **2005**  
“ **You're** **the** **closest** **to** **heaven** **that** **I'll** **ever** **be.“**

Ryan knew from his first day that Michael had taken a strange liking to him. He always had some weird task for him to do, as if he was just making up reasons to hang out with him. Last week, it was dropping off his dry cleaning. This time, it was a basketball game. Apparently, Ryan had to be on his team. He didn’t mind all that much, though. He had made sure he was being paid for skipping lunch and he kind of liked basketball. Plus, Jim was being forced to play too.

That lead to a whole new set of questions he had for Jim. Was he an athlete or something? Did he like basketball? Ryan hoped they had that in common. It might give them something to talk about. Over the two weeks he had worked alongside Jim, they hadn’t exchanged much more than a few ‘good morning’s and a small conversation they had at Pam’s desk on Diversity Day.

He silently prayed Michael’s stupid basketball game really was a blessing in disguise.

When the temp was at his desk, he couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between Michael and Jim, after Pam had declined their boss’s offer to be a cheerleader. Jim chimed in, saying he would gladly put on a skirt and be their cheerleader, which made Ryan grin at his adorable goofiness.

“Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court,” Michael told him.

Ryan was a little shocked at that, but not much, considering his first few moments with Michael included a Hitler impression. He just wished he could have seen Jim’s face and gotten some kind of clue.

“I mean…um… not in the homosexual way. I mean the… uh... you know, like the ‘bad at sports way’,” He stammered. Ryan just chuckled and tuned out the rest of the conversation before he could actually get offended, which was a helpful tip he had picked up from Oscar, one of the accountants.

At around one, Ryan had switched out of his stiff office clothes and into the pair of workout clothes he had brought with him. They were gently used. He wasn’t one for much exercise besides a light jog every once in a while. The second he stepped into the warehouse, Ryan’s eyes eagerly found Jim’s tall figure and walked over to him nervously.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

Jim nodded in response and before Ryan could say another word, he was interrupted by a racist comment from Michael.

Jim started to inch toward Pam and Ryan took it as a sign that he was busy, so he took a spot between Stanley and some guy from the warehouse. Michael approached him a few times and insisted that he should stretch before the game, but he quickly lied and told him he had stretched before he got there. He didn't want to get anymore of his boss's attention than he already had, let alone embarrass himself in front of Jim. Michael took it without question and Ryan went back to his own private game of guessing how many hours at the gym it took for his favorite salesman to get such nice arms.

Michael assigned positions and the game started pretty quickly from there. The whole thing was kind of sad. It seemed to Ryan that he and Jim were the only two players with any skill at all. For some reason, that made him kind of happy, like they were the only two with anything in common.

Eventually, Ryan and Jim began high-fiving each other after each successful shot. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so excited. Jim gave him some kind of encouragement and appreciation. That’d surely fuel his daydreams from then on.

At some point during the game, Jim ended up with a bloody nose and Ryan felt overwhelmingly and, admittedly, a little dramatically worried about him. He couldn’t bring himself to ask him if he was okay, which sucked. He really was worried, but he didn’t want to risk showing him he cared. At least not yet.

After they had ‘won’ the game and Michael was intimidated out of his original punishment of making the warehouse work that Saturday, Ryan stuck behind with Jim to shoot a few baskets with Kevin, who was surprisingly good. If he was honest, he wasn’t paying all that much attention to Kevin's shots.

When they had finally finished up in the warehouse, the entire group went to the bathrooms to clean up. Ryan had actually tried during the game (he did have someone to impress, didn’t he?) so it wasn’t a shock that he was kind of sweaty, and so was Jim. What was a shock to him, though, had to be when Jim took off his shirt. He just took it off, right there, next to him. How could he just do that? Wasn't he even a little embarrassed? Couldn’t he understand how badly Ryan wanted to look at him? The temp really tried not to look, but how could he not? When he finally did, Ryan couldn’t take it. The guy really was perfect. It had been a solid few moments of staring before he regained his composure and looked away.

Unfortunately, of course, he made brief eye contact with Jim and blushed madly, praying he hadn’t just exposed his feelings and made a total fool of himself. Jim just grinned, not seeming very bothered by it and tugged his office shirt on, buttoning it before walking back out to his desk. Ryan realized his mouth was hanging open long after his co-worker had left, earning him a judging glance from a shirtless Stanley, who had taken the beautiful boy’s place at his side. He hesitated for a moment before removing his own shirt, feeling a lot less secure now that he had seen more of Jim.

Ryan knew he was in over his head.

 

 **III.**   **Poor** **Richard's:**   **May** **6** , **2005**  
**“All** **I'll** **ever** **be** **is** **the** **sound** **of** **grinding** **teeth,** **the** **autumn** **wind** **that** **blows** **your** **hair** **and** **the** **hand** **that's** **out** **of** **reach.”**

One month. That's about how long Ryan had known Jim. 44 days, to be exact.

44 days of watching Jim work. 44 days of admiring him from afar. How can such a small amount of time feel like an eternity?

Ryan decided it was time to get to know Jim, to really get to know him. Sure, they talked at work, but not nearly as much as Ryan would like. If he had it his way, he would never stop talking to Jim. He just wasn't sure where to start or how to ask him if he wanted to hang out. He wasn't even sure if that was a normal thing around the office.

Ryan didn't have many friends in Scranton. No one even knew that he was gay. It wasn't that he was ashamed of it, exactly. He just didn't want that to make people look at him differently. He also knew that a lot of girls liked him, (something he never did understand) and he couldn't bring himself to let them down like that. He figured it was time to change that.

If tonight went well enough, Ryan thought he might ask Jim on a proper date.

Michael had asked Ryan to go out for drinks at the bar across the street a few times, so he figured he'd ask Jim to go there. It seemed like a common meet up for people in the office outside of work, on the rare occasion that any of them actually wanted to see each other after hours.

At lunch, Ryan saw Jim leaning against the counter in the kitchen and decided it was now or never.

"Hey, Jim," he swallowed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck with a shaky hand.

"Hey, Ryan," he smiled softly. Ryan instantly felt a little calmer.

"I was wondering if... um.. maybe if you wanted to get some drinks or something after work? At.. Poor Richard's? I mean, if you want. It's cool if you don't. I just thought we could hang out or whatever. I mean, if that's not weird," he rambled anxiously.

Jim smiled and shrugged nonchalantly with a "Sure. Sounds fun."

Ryan smiled widely and tried to hide his excitement.

"Okay. Awesome. I'll.. uh.. I'll see you then."

Jim just nodded, smiling again, and he headed back to his desk, silently thanking God or the heavens or whoever the hell was listening.

The rest of the day ticked by painfully slowly. All Ryan wanted was to be close to Jim and to get to finally talk to him. He started to wonder what he smelled like and what they would talk about, and if Jim was a whiskey or beer type of guy, and if Jim was gay and what he was going to say when Ryan told him that he was.

He got so distracted that he didn't notice the time until Jim approached his desk, ready to go.

"Hey. You coming?" he asked.

"Oh.. uh... yeah. Sorry," Ryan mumbled and stood, picking up his briefcase.

"It's okay," Jim smiled warmly and led the way out the door. He could tell Ryan was nervous.

On the elevator ride down, Ryan couldn't help but stare at Jim's hands and wonder what it would be like to hold them. He also wondered if Jim's skin was as warm as his smile.

They didn't talk to each other, parting ways and getting in their cars to drive across the street. Ryan wished he had started a conversation, but he just didn't know what to say.

When they stepped inside the warm building, Jim headed straight to the bar, where they sat next to each other on the old stools.

Ryan learned that Jim was, in fact, a beer guy, and that made him happy because he was too. They both got beers and sat quietly, Ryan still trying not to stare at the taller man.

"So, what's it like being a temp?" Jim asked.

"It sucks," Ryan smiled and Jim chuckled.

"At least Michael really likes you."

Ryan laughed.

"Yes because that's _such_ a good thing," he said sarcastically.

Jim laughed again and sipped his beer.

The conversation flowed from one subject to another. They talked about basketball and business school and how Michael had forgotten Ryan's birthday.

Jim was actually an easy person to talk to and as Ryan got to his third beer, it was hard for his eyes not to fall on Jim's lips when he spoke, or his hair when it blew slightly under the air vent. He decided he really liked Jim. Not just because he was attractive, but because he knew him, if only slightly.

They had been at Poor Richard's for a few hours, just getting to know each other. Ryan had been looking for a segue into finding out Jim's sexuality all night, but it just hadn't come up. He decided he had to bring it up if he ever wanted to know.

Ryan set his beer on the counter and sighed, rubbing his sweaty palms against his slacks.

"So, are you.. um.. are you seeing anyone?" he asked.

Jim sipped his beer.

"Not really," Jim said, shrugging.

Ryan smiled and sat up, gaining some confidence in knowing he might have a chance.

"I mean, I went out with Katy last weekend. You know, the girl who was selling the purses at work? We're supposed to go out again this weekend, I think. But it's nothing serious," Jim shrugged again.

Just as quickly as Ryan's confidence appeared, it slipped away. Not only was Jim not entirely single, but he was straight. Ryan didn't know why he expected him not to be. Of course Jim was straight. He was way too good to be true.

"Hey- you okay, Ry?" Jim asked.

In that moment, the temp was too hurt to admire his new nickname, but he realized then that the hurt was evident on his face, so he rushed to cover it up.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

"Nothing, really," he chuckled, "are you seeing anyone?"

Ryan just shook his head and took another sip from his beer.

"Oh," Jim sounded surprised.

"I'm sure you'll find someone soon," he smiled.

He tried to smile back.

"Thanks."

They both glanced up at the TV to find a football game on and Ryan pretended to be interested to keep from looking at the beautiful boy he could never have. As pathetic as it sounds, he thought he might actually cry. It felt like Jim had just let all of the air out of his heart in a single second.

If he wanted to save a fraction of what he felt was left of his ego, he decided he had to get out of there.

"Well, I should probably go," he said.

For a second, Ryan swore Jim looked disappointed.

"Okay, man. It was nice getting to know you. We should hang out again, alright?" he gently grabbed Ryan's shoulder and pulled him in for a hug.

If the smaller boy had been even a little bit more intoxicated, he was sure he would've kissed him.

Instead, he rushed out to his car and fought tears nearly the entire drive home. How could he have been so stupid? That night, Ryan cried in front of his apartment building for an hour and avoided going into his lonely little apartment, where he just cried himself into a dreamless sleep.

He stayed home the next day.

 

 **IV**.  **The** **Dundies:**   **September** **20** , **2005**  
“ **I** **want** **to** **be** **alone**. **Alone** **with** **you-**   **does** **that** **make** **sense?**   **I** **want** **to** **steal** **your** **soul** **and** **hide** **it** **in** **my** **treasure** **chest.”**

 

Love is such a girly way to put what Ryan felt. It made him feel pathetic and alone. He knew it wasn't reciprocated and he wished he could be okay with that. It had been some time since Ryan became a temp, and it had been awhile since they went to Poor Richard's together. Ryan wanted so badly to call that a date.

He wished he had said something, done something, anything. If he could've just kissed him once, maybe he could get over it. Now he was just left wondering what could've been.

They hung out a few times after that, but not much. Jim referred to him as his 'buddy' which hurt his heart but made him a little happy at the same time. He'd rather be Jim's buddy than nothing at all.

Today was Ryan's first Dundies, Michael's yearly award show. According to Pam, they were just as much of a disaster as his meetings, if not more so. Regardless, Ryan couldn't help but be a little excited. Michael promised him he'd be getting a very special award, better than anyone else's. He thought that was kind of creepy, but oh well. At least he was getting something.

The temp drove down the street to Chili's a little after work, but he didn't get out of his car until he saw Jim go inside. He took a second, trying not to make it too obvious. As he stepped inside, he nervously adjusted his tie and looked around for the tall man he liked so much, finding him sitting alone at one of those small tables that barely has room for two.

Before he could even sit down, he had to hold the stupid cue cards for Michael's first song, so he hoped and prayed that Jim would still be sitting alone. Michael's performance was awful, but Ryan had to admit it was a little amusing. Up until a waitress tripped on the stereo chord, which had to have been God's blessing.

As soon as Michael let him go, the temp headed straight to Jim's table, where he was drinking a beer by himself.

Jim smiled up at him and gestured the seat across from him.

"Hey, Ry," he said.

Ryan smiled shyly and sat down across from him.

"Hi," he whispered.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Jim stated when the waiter brought Ryan a beer.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Ryan didn't really know what to say. He didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Jim, but he really wanted to hear his voice.

"So... how's Katy?" Ryan asked.

He regretted the question as soon as it left his mouth. Could he be any more obvious?

Jim gave him a questioning look and Ryan slightly cringed, shifting his gaze to the glass bottle in his hand.

"She's fine, I guess," he sipped his beer, "Have you been seeing anyone?"

Ryan shook his head.

A tension had filled the space between them, and not one Ryan would hope for. He silently cursed himself, knowing Jim had caught him.

"Well, are you excited for your first Dundies, Ry? I don't think you're ready," Jim laughed, causing the tension to melt away.

Ryan started to wonder if maybe the tension was just one-sided.

"No, I don't think so either," Ryan laughed too. He swore his heart melted every time Jim called him 'Ry'.

"Michael promised me a really special evening. Whatever that means," he chuckled.

Jim laughed softly, shaking his head. Ryan watched in awe as a piece of his hair shifted on his head.

"That can't be good."

They sat in silence for a while, just smiling at each other. Ryan felt everything around them slow down. There was no way Jim didn't feel it too.

"Can I.. um... can I tell you something?" Ryan asked

"Sure," Jim’s eyes glistened in the dim light.

His hands were shaking like crazy. His heart was going to beat out of his chest.

Ryan took a deep breath.

"This is going to sound weird, but-"

His confession was cut short when everyone from the warehouse started to shuffle out, claiming the show was a waste of their time. It was, Ryan knew, but he’d never leave. It was obvious to everyone how much the Dundies meant to Michael. Ryan glanced at Jim, whose sad eyes followed Pam out the door.

Seeing Jim look at her like that, Ryan felt his heart drop. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help assuming the worst. All this time, he'd never realized that Jim might not just be friends with Pam. He probably liked her, and he couldn't entirely blame him.

"Ry?" Jim asked.

His eyes shot back to Jim’s.

"What were you saying?"

Ryan just shook his head. If the way Jim felt for Pam was anything like the way he felt for Jim, he wouldn't make him suffer the way he had to. Besides, it was obvious Jim wasn't gay and if that was the case, telling him how he felt wouldn't matter. Ryan would still be gay and Jim would still be straight. All a confession could bring him was embarrassment.

"It was.. it was nothing. Are you leaving too?" he asked, a hint of hope in his small voice.

Jim shook his head and opened a menu.

"Gotta eat somewhere, right?"

From the corner of Ryan's eye, he saw Pam heading back in and immediately stood. He wanted Jim to be happy, so he was going to let him be with Pam.

Jim glanced up at him, a confused look in his eyes.

"I'm um.. I'm gonna go sit with Meredith if that's okay."

He knew it was a shitty excuse, but he didn't wait for a response, just picked up his beer with a trembling hand and walked away. Ryan was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't hear Jim softly asking him to stay.

Almost immediately after he took a seat next to Creed, Pam took the now empty seat across from Jim.

It took everything in him not to just leave, which he knew was childish. But he stayed, because Michael promised him a nice award and he could at least get something to eat there. Anything was better than eating pizza rolls alone in his cramped apartment, even watching Jim have fun with pretty Pam.

He couldn't help but wonder how any of it was fair. Why should Pam get Jim and Roy? Ryan didn't want to hate Pam. She was kind of his friend. But that didn't make it hurt any less.

Michael started the ‘ceremony’ by giving an award to Phyllis around the time Ryan had gotten to his second drink. Of course, it didn't go well.

"This next award goes to someone who really lights up the office.. Someone who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out," Michael glanced in Ryan's direction and he winced, praying he was going somewhere else, anywhere else with the award.

"The hottest in the office award goes to... Ryan, the temp!"

Ryan had never felt more uncomfortable in his entire life. Did Michael know he was gay? Was Michael gay? Was this some kind of twisted joke? From the events he had witnessed in his short time as a temp, that wouldn’t surprise him in the least.

He slowly realized everyone was waiting for him to move, watching him with a mix of pity and laughter in their eyes. He just stood and adjusted his tie again, walking up to accept the award from his creepy boss. Everyone slowly started to clap as Michael shouted happily and slapped his ass. Ryan’s cheeks grew hot and he glanced up, finding Jim with a teasing smirk on his face and his beer raised and tipped toward him as some form of congratulations. In that moment, he became a darker shade of red than he even thought possible and didn’t hesitate to rush back to his seat, only to be stopped by the camera men asking him for a quick interview. Reluctantly, he agreed.

“What am I gonna do with the award?” he repeated their question, rolling his eyes. “Nothing. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. That’s the least of my concerns right now,” he snapped and finally headed back to his seat and, more importantly, his alcohol.

As the night went on, Ryan watched Jim and Pam pitifully from his dark corner. He noticed the smile that never left Jim's face. He noticed Pam's constant giggling. He also noticed that she was getting completely wasted, and he wondered if Jim was going to give her a ride home. He knew she must’ve been really out of it when she kissed Jim, which almost sent Ryan completely over the edge.

That should be him. He wanted to be the one making Jim smile. He wanted to be the one getting in Jim's car at the end of the night. He had never wanted to be a girl so much in his life.

 

 **V.** **Booze** **Cruise:**   **January** **5** , **2006**  
****

“ **The**   **most** **important** **thing** **to** **do** **if** **you** **find** **yourself** **in** **a** **hole** **is** **to** **stop** **digging.”**

It was cold that night. The kind of cold that made you want to go back to even the hottest days of summer, the kind that made it hard to move and left your breath visible in the air. But apparently, no amount of cold could numb Ryan’s heart that night.

He couldn’t believe Michael had even arranged that whole thing. Who in the hell would go on a cruise in the middle of winter? Then again, this was Michael. Stupid decision making seemed to be another one of his many flaws.

It wasn’t really the cold weather that bothered him, anyway. That wasn’t why Ryan was so furiously angry with Michael. Ryan was angry with Michael because earlier that day, he encouraged everyone to bring their loved ones on the cruise too. For most employees, that was exciting news. For Ryan, who had no loved ones anywhere near Scranton (besides Jim, who so painfully didn’t love him back), this was awful.

At first, it didn’t seem all that bad. It meant that Roy would be there with Pam, so that gave Ryan a tiny twinge of excitement. What he hadn’t immediately realized was that ‘bringing your loved ones’ meant that Jim would be bringing Katy, who he was apparently still seeing. Ryan didn’t understand that part. Hadn’t Michael said to bring your loved ones? There was no way that girl loved Jim, at least not as much as he did.

But, apparently she did, seeing as she was practically drooling all over Jim right in front of Ryan’s face.

“Hey, Ry. How’ve you been, man?” Jim asked, reaching to hug the shorter man.

Ryan dodged the hug as casually as he could, but it wasn’t casual enough to go unnoticed.

“Good. How’ve you been?” he replied dryly.

Jim was more than a little taken aback by Ryan’s demeanor. It wasn’t like the temp to be that way with him, and it hurt him more than he’d like to admit.

“I’ve… uh… I’ve been good,” he stumbled. “This is Katy, by the way.”

The girl beamed at Ryan, obviously excited to be meeting a friend of Jim’s.

“Hi! Oh my gosh! You guys must be really good friends!”

Of course she’d assume that, considering he was the first of Jim’s friends she had ever met. Ryan couldn’t keep the disinterest from his voice when he replied with, “not really”, under his breath. It wasn’t loud enough to be heard from a distance, but was still loud enough for both Jim and Katy to hear.

That left confusion on Katy’s face and hurt in Jim’s eyes when Ryan walked away. Jim had considered them to be pretty good friends at that point. He thought Ryan felt the same way or at least thought of them as acquaintances. As he headed toward the bar, Ryan couldn’t help but desperately wish Michael had let him get away with his bullshit excuse of staying home to study for an exam. Now, he was stuck in the blistering cold, watching Jim love pretty much everyone that wasn’t him.

Ryan tried to distract himself by watching Michael, drinking alcohol, anything he could.

That’s when he saw Brenda.

According to Michael, she was sent from corporate to make sure there was actually some kind of a point to the whole stupid thing and, of course, there wasn’t one, so that left Brenda sitting alone, pretending to pay attention just like him.

Ryan picked up his drink (he thought it had to have been his fifth by then) and approached her, the alcohol guiding him into the seat next to hers. Now that he had gotten a closer look, Ryan decided she really wasn’t very pretty, but most of the straight guys seemed to think she was, so she’d have to do. The temp needed something, anything to get his mind off of the boy who didn’t love him, so he put on his best straight guy face and tried his hardest to flirt with her. He had no idea what he was doing. He hadn’t flirted with a girl since high school, but whatever he was saying seemed to be working.

At some point on Lake Wallenpaupack, everything started to pick up, and it picked up quick. Roy announced something to Pam about the wedding that was supposed to be important or whatever. Ryan didn’t care. But, around the same time he ended up making out with Brenda for some reason that he couldn’t really remember. After that, Michael caused some kind of panic that sent people literally jumping from the boat, which Drunk Ryan thought was pretty funny.

The one major thing Drunk Ryan had missed out on was everything going on with Jim, though Jim hadn’t missed a thing happening with Ryan. He had been watching it all from the moment the temp walked away. He saw the drinks, the making out with Brenda, and the hurt behind his eyes that Jim wished he knew the cause of. At some point, after watching it all, it got to be too much. He broke up with Katy, which he really didn’t think was that big of a deal. He had been waiting for an opportunity to get out of it since the first date.

When Jim found himself sitting alongside Michael, asking for advice, he knew he was hurt. Jim had never gone to Michael for much of anything that he didn’t have to, let alone advice on something as huge as what he was dealing with.

“Captain Jack has a problem with authority,” his boss complained.

“Right, because you announced his ship was sinking?” Jim replied, taking a seat next to him.

“He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.”

A silence followed after that, while Jim tried to piece together his confusing and painful thoughts.

“What a night,” Jim sighed.

“Well, it’s nice for you. Your friend got engaged.. and you brought that hot purse girl. Speaking of hot girls, did you see Ryan with that girl from corporate? God, that should’ve been me,” Michael said.

Jim cringed. Of course he had seen Ryan with Brenda. It was the only thing he could think about.

“Pam was always engaged,” he pointed out.

“Roy said the first one didn’t count.”

Jim scoffed, “That’s great.”

It was quiet for a minute before he spoke again.

“I broke up with Katy tonight.”

Michael gasped, “What? Hot purse girl? Why?”

Jim sighed and rubbed his freezing hands against his face.

“Michael,” he hesitated.

“I’m gay.”

Michael almost fell over.

“What? No! Really? You’re kidding me.”

Jim knew he shouldn’t tell him more, but he couldn’t help it. Now that it was out in the open, he had to get the rest off of his chest.

“You know, to tell you the truth, I had a big thing for Ryan when he started.”

The shock on Michael’s face only grew.

“Really?! You and Ryan? Wow. I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God, I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan,” he rambled.

“Yeah, I know,” Jim almost smiled.

It was nice to have told someone. He felt free, in a way.

“Well, Ryan is cute- in a different way though. I’m not gay,” he clarified, a hint of defensiveness in his voice.

“Yeah,” Jim smiled.

“He’s sweet-usually, I mean. And he’s really funny and just… anyway,” he trailed off.

“Well, if you like him so much, don’t give up,” Michael suggested.

His eyes shot up to his boss.

“He’s straight. You saw him with that girl in there,” Jim’s voice cracked slightly.

“Pffft! You don’t know that meant anything. You never know until you know. And even when you do know, never, ever, ever give up.”

Michael’s advice actually made a lot of sense to Jim, and it made him feel a hell of a lot better. Maybe he was right. I mean, he owed it to himself to at least try.

Later that night, Jim volunteered to take Ryan home, who almost looked afraid when he offered. Jim assumed it was his drunken state, so he helped him into his car, relishing in the heat exchanged with Ryan’s scrawny figure pressed against his side. He opened the door for him and helped him in as gently as he could. Ryan giggled softly when Jim had to reach near his thigh to buckle the seat belt, and Jim smiled at how cute it was.

“You okay, Ry?” he whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Ryan looked at him and Jim swore he saw him wince before mumbling “peachy,” under his breath.

Jim kept his hand on Ryan’s shoulder a little longer than he needed to and climbed into the driver’s seat.

Once they had traveled a few miles, Jim spoke.

“What’s your address, Ry?”

He only half expected an answer, considering the fact that Ryan was almost completely wasted, but he surprisingly got one.

It was a quiet and short drive and Jim had to fight the urge to ask him about his feelings or his sexuality. He didn’t want to take advantage of Ryan when he was so vulnerable, and he wanted Ryan to tell him those things when he was comfortable with him, if he ever would be again.

When they got to Ryan’s apartment, Jim helped him inside, finding him slightly more sober now. He was sober enough to tell him which elevator button to push and which room was his, which was convenient.

Jim started to regret not just taking Ryan back to his place so he could talk to him as soon as he was sober, but it was obvious Ryan wasn’t happy with him, and Jim didn’t want to freak him out.

He half carried Ryan to his bedroom and almost offered to help him change his clothes, but he figured that would be too weird, so he let him pass out in his office clothes. He didn’t want to leave Ryan completely uncomfortable, though, so he sat next to the sleeping boy and slipped off his shoes, setting them on the hardwood floor somewhere he knew they wouldn’t be tripped on. Jim gently reached over and ran a hand across his back, wishing he could just stay and hold him, if only for a few minutes.

He didn’t though. Instead, he quietly slipped out of the apartment and shut the door, whispering partly to himself and partly to the boy who couldn’t hear him before walking toward the elevators.

“Goodnight, Ry.”

 

 **VI**. **The** **Secret** : **January** **19** , **2006**  
“ **I** **will** **take** **his** **secret** **to** **the** **grave** , **telling** **people** **along** **the** **way**. **Betrayal** **is** **no** **sin** if **it** **is** **whimsical**.”

Ryan had thrown in the towel. As January slowly began to fade out, he decided his feelings had to, too. The poor boy couldn’t keep fooling himself by holding onto someone who’d never love him back, no matter how much it hurt him to admit.

Ryan was still a temp, running all of Michael’s stupid errands every day whether he wanted to or not. Making eye contact with Jim every time he walked into the office was borderline traumatic for him, and it showed. Anyone with eyes could see the way Ryan flinched every time Jim so much as glanced in his direction, so it wasn’t really a surprise when someone finally confronted him about it.

It was a surprise, though, when he realized who that person was. If Ryan was going to come out to someone at work, he figured it would be Toby. Making people feel comfortable at work was kind of his job, which was ironic considering Michael made sure he never got to feel that way. Ryan even thought about approaching him first, just to tell someone. Hell, he even thought about telling Pam. She might have something he wanted, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t kind. The funny thing was, Ryan had considered telling anyone he worked with. Anyone except Dwight.

Dwight brought it up after everyone else had left for the day. Just before Ryan had walked out the door himself, the salesman called after him.

“You’re gay.”

The bluntness of his statement almost made Ryan drop his suitcase. He didn’t even ask. What a fucking know it all.

“What?”

Dwight just shrugged.

“I’ve seen the way you look at Jim. It’s the same way many animals do during mating season. Your pupils dilate. You find him attractive,” he stated.

Ryan just stood, debating whether or not to just leave, or deny it entirely, but he didn’t. Ryan knew he had been caught and frankly, the burden was getting too heavy to carry.

“Yeah,” he mumbled shamefully.

“It’s alright, you know. Homosexuality is natural. I’ve witnessed it many times among the animals at my farm. Plus, Jim is a nice specimen. I mean, his personality leaves something to be desired, but he is strong, well built. And tall. I’m not a homosexual. I am just stating fact.”

Ryan scoffed, “Thanks, Dwight.”

Dwight turned to face him, adjusting his glasses.

“Are you going to tell him?”

Ryan winced at the thought.

“No. And I’m begging you not to tell him either.”

It was silent for a few moments while Ryan adjusted his grip on the suitcase in his sweaty palm.

“I’ve had my suspicions about him too, you know,” Dwight mumbled with a smirk on his face. He finally had something over Jim’s head for once.

“Yeah, okay,” Ryan scoffed again, walking out the door before Dwight could say another word. He could still feel his heart beating in his ears when he pulled out of the parking lot.

He prayed he hadn’t made the wrong decision by telling Dwight, but then again, he already knew. Ryan didn’t really have to tell him anything. Either way, there was never any way to tell what Dwight would do or if he could even be trusted at all. By the end of the night, he had just decided to trust him, even if it wasn’t the smartest. It’s not like he had a choice, and Dwight seemed pretty sincere, almost uncharacteristically. Even if he told the whole office the next day, it felt good for the time being that he had come out to someone. He didn’t have to feel entirely alone anymore. Until the next day, at least.

Everything was fine at first. As fine as it could be. Ryan still felt a little lighter from the night before and it didn’t seem like his new confidant had let the secret out yet. He felt like things might start being okay again.

At lunch, Ryan decided not to eat at his desk. That had become a rarity for him. Partially because he was too lazy to leave his desk, but mostly because he knew Jim and Pam would be sitting together which was usually too much to handle. Today, though, it was time for him to keep moving forward. So, Ryan took a seat next to Oscar in the break room.

The temp had had a hunch that Oscar was gay from his first day. He thought about asking him about it from time to time, but Oscar wasn’t out to anyone else and Ryan didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. He was cute and all, but way older and not at all Ryan’s type. Oscar was nice enough, though, and it made him feel a little safer that there was someone like him in the office, so it was his best choice.

Once Ryan had said hello to Oscar, Phyllis took a seat across from them. She always seemed to give off a sweet grandmother type of vibe, one that weirdly made everyone a little bit more at home. She and Oscar were probably the kindest people at Dunder Mifflin, which made Ryan think he really did make the right choice by not sitting alone.

“Have you guys heard what Michael said this morning?” Phyllis asked, her eyes showing just how excited she was to have people to gossip with.

Ryan shook his head, earning eager looks from both of them, as if they were dying to tell him whatever ridiculous rumor Michael had started this time.

“Seriously? You haven’t heard?” Oscar asked.

“The one about Jan?” Ryan took a sip of his Pepsi.

Phyllis shook her head, “Oh, gosh, no. This is so much more exciting.”

Ryan raised his eyebrows expectantly, preparing to cringe at whatever it was.

“Michael said that someone told him a huge secret,” Oscar practically shouted before regaining his composure and returning his voice to slightly above a whisper.

“Someone in the office is gay.”

Ryan immediately panicked. Of course Dwight had told Michael. He tells him everything.

“Did he… did he say who?” he cleared his throat to hide the shakiness of his voice.

“I don’t think so, but he will. He always does. It won’t be long before the entire building knows,” Phyllis chuckled. “Michael’s always been that way. He can’t keep a secret for the life of him.”

After that, the two next to him started to get wrapped up in their own conversation about who it was and Ryan took it as a cue to leave before his name was brought up. He threw what was left of his lunch into the trash and headed back to his desk. He didn’t make it very far before he made eye contact with Dwight, who nodded at him-in a way to acknowledge their newfound trust, which Ryan thought was disgusting considering what he had just heard. He just glared at the salesman and continued on to his desk, but not before seeing a wave of hurt rush over Dwight’s face.

Ryan didn’t care. How dare Dwight act hurt when he wasn’t the one who got betrayed?

The temp didn’t dare look at anyone for the rest of the day. He was terrified that just one look could give it all away, especially if he happened to look at Jim. It couldn’t take much for him to put it all together now, and Ryan couldn’t handle anymore embarrassment from him.

He was so adamant about not looking at Jim that he didn’t even notice the empty desk next to Dwight on his way out.

 

 **VII**. **Kelly** **Kapoor** : **February** **2** , **2006**  
“ **I'm,** **at** **best** , **your** **second** **option** , **like** **a** **key** **under** **the** **mat**.”

Contrary to popular belief, Kelly Kapoor was not an idiot. She knew her choices and she knew how people felt about her, especially Ryan, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

Ryan and Kelly had been seeing each other for less than a week now, a sorry excuse for a relationship that had started from a conversation she’d had with Jim in the annex. The girl knew from the moment she asked Jim to talk to Ryan for her that something was up. She had a knack for that sort of thing. Picking up on drama was one of her many skills. It had taken way too long to convince him to do it, and he still seemed apprehensive even after he agreed to do it.

Kelly didn’t care much. Sure, she had her suspicions, but why shouldn’t she try to get with Ryan? He was hot, and she was hot. Her friends would have told her to go for it, so she did, knowing full well that it would end in flames. That was the fun of it, wasn’t it? What’s a relationship without drama?

She hadn’t been there for the conversation between the two, but she knew that made Jim upset too.

It was a conversation laced completely with awkwardness an underlying agony that both of them could feel but couldn’t bring themselves to acknowledge, no matter how badly they wanted to.

Jim found Ryan alone in the kitchen and approached him with a “hey,” trying to sound as nonchalant as he possibly could.

Ryan jumped slightly at the sound of his voice and a few hot drops of coffee landed on his hand.

“Oh.. uh.. what’s up?”

Jim hesitated.

“Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It’s actually a little awkward.”

Ryan’s jaw clenched and the presence of the cameras in the room suddenly became much more noticeable. He tried not to spill more of his coffee and braced himself for the inevitable question they had both unknowingly been dancing around.

“What?” He mumbled.

Jim took a deep breath, “What do you think of Kelly?”

Ryan didn’t know if he should feel disappointed or relieved, but he forced a smile onto his face anyway.

“I don’t know,” He said honestly.

Then he remembered the cameras in the room and took it as an opportunity to make sure Jim knew he was straight. If he hadn’t picked up on his secret yet, Ryan wanted to make sure he never did.

“It depends if you like a little junk and… um…” he trailed off.

He cringed at himself. How did straight guys even talk?

“She’s really cool.”

Jim looked at his shoes and nodded slowly.

“Are you.. are you interested in her?” He asked.

Ryan rushed to respond a little too quickly.

“Yeah, totally!”

Jim bit his lip to keep his expression from changing. How could he even be surprised?

“Really?”

“Did she say something?” Ryan asked.

Jim thought that was a ridiculous question. Of course she would say something about him. He couldn’t imagine why she wouldn’t. It was hard enough for him not to.

He mumbled, “She said lots of things.”

Ryan smiled again, slightly flattered, but mostly hid his hurt behind it. This was the longest conversation they had had since the cruise and even then, they hadn’t talked much.

“Do you know if she’s looking for a long term thing or if she’d be cool just hanging out?” He couldn’t care less.

“I have no idea,” Jim forced a soft laugh.

Ryan was desperate to prove to him that he wasn’t gay, which just made Jim feel worse. There was no doubt in Ryan’s mind that Jim was onto him and he hated the idea of looking pathetic to anyone, especially the guy he had spent so much time trying to prove himself to.

“Could you find out?”

The taller boy just nodded and walked back to the annex, anxious to get away from the conversation. Kelly was there waiting for him, of course, but talking to her about it was still easier than having to look at Ryan.

Ryan hooked up with Kelly a few days after that. He figured the best way to show he was straight was to get into a relationship, which he knew wasn’t fair to the girl. He felt guilty, but she distracted him, just like Brenda did. If he was straight, Ryan was sure he’d love Kelly. She was cute, much cuter than Brenda. She was sweet too. He just wasn’t attracted to her.

Kelly realized that the day after it started, but it didn’t stop her from going back to him. Even if he didn’t like her the way she liked him, she wanted to be around him.

On their third night together, Kelly started to see the bigger picture. She read a lot of magazines in her spare time and took a lot of pride in the knowledge she got from stereotypes and the hundreds of quizzes she took in her copies of Seventeen. According to what she had read, there was no questioning that Ryan was gay, and he had it bad for Jim. She didn’t have to read to know the last part was true. Kelly just knew from personal experience and seeing their behavior around each other.

Her obsession with drama tended to consume her, especially at times like this. She just couldn’t keep herself from finding out more. Testing Jim was the only way she could be satisfied.

Jim ran into Kelly in the same God-forsaken kitchen a few days later, where she was reading another magazine by herself.

“Hey, Kelly. What’s up?”

No matter how hard it was for him, Jim would always be kind to her. He had a soft spot for her, knowing most of the office thought of her as a joke. Even he did, at times.

“Nothing.”

Kelly thought about stopping there. She knew she should, but the words flew out of her mouth faster than she could stop herself.

“Oh, except- Oh my God, Jim. A few days ago, Ryan and I totally finally hooked up.”

His smile faltered a little, and he simply let out a soft “oh”.

“It was awesome,” She smiled.

He nodded, “That’s great.”

“I know and it was so funny because we were at this bar with his friends, and I was sitting next to him and he wasn’t making a move, so in my head I was like ‘Ryan, what’s taking you so long?’ and then he kissed me and I didn’t know what to say, so I said, ‘Ryan, what took you so long?’ and I just said it to him!” she barely stopped to catch her breath.

“Wow,” Jim said from the doorway.

It was obvious he wanted to leave, but Kelly wasn’t quite done yet.

“Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I’m embarrassed!”

He fought to keep his cool and responded with, “No. Don’t be,” even offering her a warm smile to reassure her. Jim knew that even if what happened had been embarrassing, Ryan would never make her feel bad about it.

“Thank God because I was so nervous, Jim!” Kelly continued to ramble, long after even she had lost interest, another bad habit of hers.

“I bet,” He smiled.

“You would not believe! But now-now I have a boyfriend!” She cheered, more to herself than to Jim.

He just smiled again and left, regretting that he ever went inside in the first place. Every conversation he had ever had with Kelly was awkward, but that was the worst by far. He considered going back in and telling her the feelings he had for her boyfriend, feelings he had never felt for anyone else and still didn’t understand, but how would he go about doing that? Especially to Kelly? Making any sort of comment that could be taken as an attempt to steal Ryan would be committing social suicide, and Jim cared about his ego enough not to try.

What was the point, anyway, proclaiming a love that’s so obviously unrequited?

 

 **VIII**. **Spin** **The** **Bottle** : **February** **14** , **2006**  
“ **I'd** **give** **up** **forever** **to** **touch** **you**.”

Ryan hated parties more than anything in the world. In his eyes, there was nothing worse than a bunch of people listening to music and pretending the reason they came wasn’t just because they felt like they had to. Most of the time, Ryan would go to any extents he could to avoid parties, especially ones at the office. This Valentine’s day, though, Kelly wasn’t going to let him out of their first party together.

It felt like everyone was in a relationship that year. Even Dwight, who Ryan was still not speaking to. Parties and relationships seemed to be the most important things in the office. Michael was always trying to find opportunities to throw a party and get everyone wasted, not to mention the fact that he was still trying to get with Jan. In fact, it was his excitement about her that seemed to make him want the best party possible, which only made Angela more irritable. Despite that, everyone was excited for the party. Everyone except for Ryan and Jim.

Ryan gave Kelly every excuse he could possibly think of to get out of going. No matter what he said, she was just as desperate to make him go as he was to skip it. It was Kelly’s first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend for two years and she didn’t want to waste it, even if he didn’t really care for her. Ryan didn’t mind hanging out with Kelly. The only problem was that it made him feel guilty, especially on a holiday like this one. If he had to go, though, he was glad to be going with someone. Having a girl at his side would help get rid of the suspicions Jim probably had, and at least distract Ryan a little.

The thought of going to the party was terrifying to Jim, but he knew he had to go. Pam wanted him there, and she was the only other person he had told his secret to. Plus she had encouraged him to go for it with Ryan, even with Kelly in the picture. He figured he had nothing left to lose, and Valentine’s Day was as good a day as any.

No amount of dread they both had could stop the party from happening, which kicked off a little after two o'clock. Everything was okay at first, just a bunch of Kelly’s rambling and Angela’s soft music playing in the background. No one was having that bad of a time until someone thought it was a cute idea to suggest they all play spin the bottle, which was something about parties Ryan had hated since high school.

Of course, Kelly thought it was a great idea and badgered him until he agreed. He thought the game was stupid enough on its own, without adding in the fact that it was going to consist of a bunch of middle aged paper company employees. Still, everyone except for Angela, Toby and Stanley wanted to play. Toby and Angela claimed it was inappropriate for the work place and Stanley just didn’t care. Toby joined them eventually though, probably in hopes that the bottle would land on Pam.

They all sat in a circle on the carpeted floor, the temp between Kelly and Oscar. Meredith started by tipsily spinning the empty beer bottle Michael had volunteered and Ryan cringed when it landed on Kevin, who was way too eager. The bottle went through a few more people and a few more awkward kisses (some on the lips and some not) before it finally reached Ryan.

He sighed and spun the bottle with his eyes screwed shut, saying a silent prayer that it would just be Pam or Kelly or anyone but Michael. He knew Michael was probably secretly hoping for it to land on him.

Ryan opened his eyes after hearing a few ‘oooooh’s from the other employees, his eyes following the mouth of the bottle to the person sitting across from him. When their eyes met, Ryan’s cheeks immediately grew hot and his hands began to shake. He took back what he had hoped before. He would rather kiss Michael than kiss Jim with everyone looking around.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. If he was honest, the thought of being able to kiss Jim in front of everyone never really left his mind. It was always there, something he couldn’t shake no matter how hard he tried. He still wasn’t going to do it, regardless of his fantasies.

Ryan wasn’t going to kiss a straight man against his will.

He swallowed nervously and watched as Jim smiled sheepishly, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

Ryan’s eyes scanned the group of people and met Dwight’s, which gestured for him to go ahead and do it. His eyes also met Pam’s and she smiled at him warmly, as if she could tell how nervous he was and wanted him to know it was okay.

That didn’t matter to him. What mattered was if Jim was okay with it, and Ryan wasn’t sure how to go about figuring that out. Why did anyone think this would be a good idea?

It was silent for a little, neither of the boys knowing what to do. At some point, Jim stole a look at Pam, who told him to do something, so he did.

He chuckled awkwardly under his breath before slowly moving toward Ryan, who gave him a look of pure fear.

Jim moved his head toward Ryan’s ear and whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

“We don’t have to do this, you know. It’s just a stupid game.”

Ryan nodded slightly. He couldn’t seem to find his voice.

“For the record, though,” Jim whispered, “I really wouldn’t mind. It doesn't mean anything.”

The smaller man’s eyes grew wider, and he couldn’t imagine how awkward the situation must have looked to everyone else.

Jim looked at him again, searching for a response before moving to tell him something else.

“I’m going to do it, okay? If you want me to stop, just say so. It’ll be okay.”

Ryan nodded again and Jim’s hand rested under his chin. In a split second, Jim had moved in to kiss the temp softly, just long enough to enjoy it but not nearly as long as either of them would like. It was over quicker than it had started, and the rest of the employees were eager to keep the game going. Apparently, the mental toll that had taken on the two of them wasn’t as evident as it had felt like.

Ryan tried to stay and listen to everything Kelly was telling him, but he couldn’t take it. It was getting close to Jim’s turn, and he didn’t want to see it or be involved in it. Right after he saw Toby kiss Phyllis on the cheek, he decided he had enough and walked out to the parking lot.

Within minutes, Ryan was crying. He knew it was pathetic and he should just let it go, but he couldn’t. It had been almost an entire year of this. An entire year of the worst pain he swore he had ever felt. It hurt so fucking bad and he didn’t know what to do or what anything meant or what he was doing with Kelly or how he could sleep at night knowing he was hurting that poor girl.

His silent tears quickly turned to sobs that he tried as hard as he could to keep quiet. Evidently, it wasn’t enough, considering a lanky and quiet figure joined him on the sidewalk.

“Ry?”

Ryan shook his head as another sob shook his entire body. He had really exposed himself now.

“Hey, Ry, look at me.”

He kept his gaze on the ground, tears still running down his face.

Jim placed a tentative hand on Ryan’s back, half expecting him to shrug it off, but he didn’t. He took that as a form of consent and moved closer to the crying boy. He moved his hand from his back to around his shoulders and pulled Ryan toward him, running a hand up and down his arm to calm him.

They stayed like that for some time after Ryan’s crying had stopped, neither of them daring to move. Until reality began to sink in and Ryan gently shook his arm off.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed.

Jim ran a hand through his hair.

“Don’t be.”

“No, I should be. God, I’m so fucking stupid,” He snapped, angrily tossing a rock across the parking lot.

“What? What are you talking about?” Jim reached out to him again, but Ryan pushed him away.

“Stop, okay? You can go back inside. Forget this ever happened.”

Jim looked down at him with hurt in his eyes.

“What? Why would I-“

“Just go!” Ryan cut him off.

“I know you know, so just leave. I’m tired of this. I can’t take it anymore, Jim. I’m gonna lose my mind. Please leave me alone.”

By now, Ryan was crying again. He knew how desperate he looked, but he couldn’t stop it.

Jim just shook his head and moved back toward Ryan, wrapping his arms around him. He pulled the boy as close to him as he could, despite his protests. Ryan was almost entirely on Jim’s lap, unable to get away even if he wanted to. He didn’t, no matter how much it hurt his pride.

“I’m sorry, Ryan. Jesus, I’m sorry,” his voice cracked, “I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know.”

They didn’t know how long they both sat there, clinging to each other for dear life, but there was no doubt that the cameras were watching them. They didn’t care.

At some point, Jim reached for Ryan’s hand, delicately running his thumb across it and taking in his warmth.

“Ryan, I like you, alright? I really do,” he mumbled into the boy’s hand.

Ryan didn't believe him.

“What about Pam? And Katy? You’ve liked them too.”

He didn’t mean to sound cold. He just felt defeated.

He slipped out of Jim's lap and resumed his position on the sidewalk with his knees to his chest, focusing on a few cracks in the pavement.

“Oh, God, Ry. That’s what you kept trying to tell me, wasn’t it? I’m such an idiot,” Jim sighed.

“You kind of are,” Ryan almost grinned, earning a small smile from Jim, despite the pain that had become as common as oxygen around them.

“I never liked Katy, Ry. And Pam? She’s just my friend. You know she knows I like you, right?”

Ryan shook his head, trying to make sense of everything.

“So, you are gay then?” he finally asked the question that had been plaguing his mind since the day they met.

Jim laughed, “Yeah. I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

Ryan's sadness was pretty much immediately replaced by a mix of fear and giddiness, a feeling that reminded him of his Christmases as a kid.

They were silent for another few minutes, just enjoying the loss of the tension that had been between them for so long.

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

Ryan looked up at Jim shyly.

“Can I.. um.. can I kiss you? For real this time?”

He cleared his throat and looked away.

“Okay-never mind. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have-“

Jim smiled and placed a hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to ask, Ry.”

Ryan smiled widely and blushed, pushing his hair back shakily. Jim reached his hand out to hold Ryan’s chin, the same way he had before. He slowly leaned in, careful not to move too quickly, as if one wrong move would scare him away. The kiss itself was slow and meaningful, carrying months of hurt and frustration they had both held. Neither of them wanted to pull away and end the moment they’d waited so long for.

Jim was the one to pull away, resting his forehead on Ryan’s, who just laughed, relieved. They had both given up on the idea that this was ever going to be possible.

“Wow,” the temp sighed, “you’re everything, you know that?”

The salesman just smiled and allowed one of his hands to find Ryan’s again, leaving the other to fiddle with his hair.

Neither of them knew what was going to happen next, who they were going to tell, or what the hell Ryan was supposed to do about Kelly. But they didn’t mind. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they were there and they were together, even if it took an eternity and even if they had both been left miserable for longer than they ever felt was fair.

No matter how shitty they had felt just a few moments before, they couldn’t possibly feel any luckier.


End file.
